Chertoff's Squirrel Spies

Now that the Iranians have blown their cover, the story of our rodent black ops can be told.

Last week, in a desperate last-ditch attempt to preserve their covert status, Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff attributed information about imminent terrorist activities to his “gut feeling.”

Now it can be revealed that he was relying on the work of the Squirrel Intelligence Corps, whose existence was unknown until a number of agents were ferreted out and detained by the Islamic Republic’s Secret Police.

"In recent weeks, intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran's borders," the state-sponsored news agency IRNA reported. "The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies, and were stopped before they could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence services."

Our secret squirrels were trained by the Harvard Division of Engineering and Applied Sciences, which concealed its efforts by leaking data about allegedly jocular experiments in “squirrel fishing.”

A critical element of the Iranian operation was timing. According to the journal Scholarly Squirrel, although males of the species “are notorious for chasing females...between July and August, female squirrels are ready to mate only one day out of each season.” Islamic agents apparently took advantage of our operatives’ distraction in anticipating the crucial date.

In keeping with security procedures, Director Chertoff would not comment, but a spokesperson reflected Homeland Security’s disappointment by an off-the-record reference to the observation of Sarah Jessica Parker, “You can't be friends with a squirrel. A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit.”