*Florida secedes from the Union to avoid finalizing vote count.
*Romney releases 10 years of tax returns, noting: “If you losers had sharp accountants to send money offshore, you wouldn’t have paid anything either. And by the way, Bain’s earnings came from money-laundering.”
*Hollywood readies a political sequel to “Moneyball” with Brad Pitt as Nate Silver. Denzel is Obama. George Clooney dumbs down for Mitt. Julia Roberts cameos as Candy Crowley.
*Tom Delay guest judges a dance-off by John Boehner and Eric Cantor for 2013 Speaker of the House. The tanned one promises not to cry if he loses. If he wins, Cantor plans plastic surgery to remove his permanent smirk.
*Linda McMahon, the wrestling lady who blew $100 million in two falls for a Connecticut Senate seat, shops for a smaller state. Rhode Island?
*A.T.T. introduces a new time check for the impressionable. Dial 1-800-MITT and a familiar recorded voice asks, “What time would you like it to be?”
*Paul Ryan hosts a new game show, “Is It Lying If My Lips Don’t Move?” No intellectuals need apply.
*Rupert Murdoch fires Karl Rove, who buys the largest ranch in Texas to raise turd blossoms with deferred income from managing Crossroads America.
*The President studies Lewis Black and Richard Pryor videos to sharpen future performances as an angry stand-up and hires a glowering coach.
The rest of us take deep breaths and try to direct our minds to sane and happy holidays.