President Romney?

The Empty Suit is back, winning a 2012 straw poll at the Southern Republican revival meeting, in absentia over Dr. No, Ron Paul; the Man of a Thousand Ideas, Newt Gingrich; and the Madonna of a Million Punch Lines, Sarah Palin.

Mitt Romney, who went down in the 2008 primaries by contradicting himself daily, is going for the White House this time as a stealth candidate, hoping to ride a GOP tidal wave by crouching under the radar.

Unseen, he prevailed by a single vote this weekend in New Orleans by sneaking in 200 "Evangelicals for Mitt," who handed out Romney buttons, piggy banks emblazoned with "Elect a president who won't break the bank," and copies of his new book, "No Apology," an ironic title for the man who spent his last campaign flip-flopping on abortion, gay rights and every other issue in the Religious Right political bible.

Hoping to be the 2012 "default candidate," Romney has been spending his time on what could described as an unPalin book tour, "with the patient, workmanlike mien that has distinguished him from other probable contenders who seem far more eager for attention," as one report puts it.

In his low-key efforts, Mr. Smooth could be counting on later use of a secret weapon, Rush Limbaugh, a wholly owned subsidiary of Romney's former partners, waiting in the wings to defend him against "drive-by media attacks" on his Mormon faith, as he did in 2007.

With the Democrats in disarray, as Republicans were after Watergate in 1976, Mitt Romney may be taking a leaf from the Jimmy Carter playbook running as Mr. Clean for a politically disgusted electorate.

In any event, he won't be looking for guidance from his father's 1968 campaign, which prompted one Republican governor to observe, "Watching George Romney run for the Presidency is like watching a duck try to make love to a football."

Steele, the Un-Obama

Some divine Anthropologist must be balancing the racial books for America, giving us an African-American as president who is a superbly talented politician and, to lead the opposition, another who can't seem to get out of his own way.

Michael Steele's un-Obama skills were on display at a party luncheon yesterday, and the Washington Post's Dana Milbank reports:

"The RNC chairman has managed to get into trouble with comic regularity during his first few months on the job. His latest brush with trouble had come only minutes before the lunch, when Fox News broadcast an interview with Steele in which he complained that party leaders--the very people he was about to have lunch with--have 'their knives bared' for him."

Milbank catalogues Steele's self-inflicted wounds as head of the Disloyal Opposition:

"He called Rush Limbaugh 'incendiary' and 'ugly.' He described abortion as an individual choice. He spent $18,500 decorating his office, which he had called 'way too male for me.' He offered some 'slum love' to Indian American Bobby Jindal, the Republican governor of Louisiana, and speculated that the GOP base rejected Mitt Romney 'because it had issues with Mormonism.'"

In fairness, it's unlikely that anyone could galvanize today's remnant rabble of what was once the Grand Old Party, but Steele's ineptitude is looking more and more like a grotesque example of the Affirmative Action that Republicans always used to denounce.

The question now is how to depose him without adding accusations of racism to their heavy load of political baggage.

The opportunity may come up today at a meeting of state party heads who, if they curtail his power over funding, will be calling his threat to quit if they do.

Steele ended his rallying of the troops at yesterday's luncheon with "In the best spirit of President Reagan, it's time to saddle up and ride."

Into the sunset perhaps?

President Limbaugh

But enough of reality, let's spend some quality time in Republican Fantasyland, where Barack Obama has a 4 percent approval rating and Rush Limbaugh is making his State of the Union speech.

In a self-proclaimed "first address ever to the nation" (on Fox and C-Span) President Rushbo spent an hour and a half at the Conservative Political Action Conference, railing against "rampant government growth" and "indebtedness that has wealth that has not even been created yet being spent."

He told the faithful: "Ronald Reagan used to speak of a shining city on a hill. Barack Obama portrays America as a soup kitchen in some dark night in a corner of America that's very obscure."

In concluding, President Limbaugh urged his followers: "Don't treat people as children. Respect their intelligence. Realize that there's a way to persuade people. Sometimes the worst way is to get in their face and point a finger. Set up a set of circumstances where the conclusion is obvious. Let them think they came up with the idea themselves."

Looking forward, his aroused constituents voted their choice for President Limbaugh's successor--Mitt Romney by 30 percent, with Bobby Jindal at 14, and Sarah Palin tied with Ron Paul at 13.

Forty-four percent wished they had better choices but in their world there are no term limits. Why not Rush Limbaugh as President-for-Life?

Bailouts: The Game Show

TV news is beginning to look like the mother of all game shows with Washington contestants competing to pick a jackpot for the economy.

Here is Henry Paulson wavering between the curtains marked Toxic Loans and Bank Capital, some members of Congress wanting to take a flyer on Detroit, Sheila Bair of the FDIC choosing Foreclosure Relief as the audience of lobbyists cheers them on and the rest of us wait anxiously for someone to come up with a winner.

Mitt Romney, whose family money comes from the car industry, shows up today to opt for Big Three Bankruptcy while a nearby New York Times editorial urges Congress to open the curtain marked Modifying Home Loans.

The Bailout Show so far is not getting stock-market ratings like the Neilsens of such classics as Deal or No Deal, but changing the host in January may make a difference. Meanwhile we're all watching, remote in hand, hoping that no one shows up to repossess the TV set.

So far, the show looks far from ready for prime time.

McCain's Mixed Bag of VPs

As Democrats put Obama/Clinton issues behind them, the Republican identity crisis comes front and center in John McCain's decision about a running mate.

Aside from Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who may actually turn out to be the choice, the longish short list is all over the identity-politics lot:

Mitt Romney, a super-rich Mormon the candidate clearly despises, and holder of the Olympic record for flip-flopping on social issues;

Joe Lieberman, a McCain personal favorite, with the slight handicap of having run for VP as a Democrat, to say nothing of being a pro-choice Orthodox Jew, the prospect of whose presence on the ticket unsettles even the strong stomach of Karl Rove;

Tom Ridge, a pro-choice former governor with an undistinguished record as the first Homeland Security head, whose current work is sitting on the boards of Home Depot and Hershey;

Two business executives (Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina) with no political experience whatsoever but whose gender might appeal to diehard Hillary Clinton dissidents;

And even Colin Powell, who would bring racial balance and a respected military career but whose most recent public service involved helping George W. Bush lie us into Iraq and is a septuagenarian only a few months younger than McCain.

After Bush-Cheney, it's understandably complicated to figure out what enlightened Republicanism should involve this year, a problem with which McCain himself apparently wrestled after being sandbagged by Rove in 2000 when he considered switching parties himself.

If some voters have a problem wrapping their minds around the idea of Obama in the Oval Office, they may be equally bewitched, bothered and bewildered by whoever McCain chooses to be an elderly heartbeat away.

Romney and Giuliani Party On

Two Republican losers are in Denver this week, jockeying for TV face time and puckering up to their new best friend, John McCain.

In the primaries, Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney ran neck and neck for the title of Most Shameless, America's Mayor with his 9/11 posturing and the former Massachusetts governor setting world records for pandering to the Radical Right by flip-flopping on gays, abortion and other social issues.

Now they are gate-crashing the Democratic convention like clowns from Comedy Central. Romney is angling for VP on the Republican ticket, accusing Democrats of playing "the politics of envy" by harping on McCain's multiple homes, while modestly pointing out he himself has only four.

Who knows what Giuliani wants in a McCain Administration? Attorney General? The six-figure lectures fees must be drying up.

Barack America

Joe Biden's slip in his first vice-presidential peroration today (“the next president of the United States--Barack America!”) may be a Freudian tribute to his dual assignment in this campaign--to tie John McCain firmly to eight years of Bush policies while serving as witness-in-chief to Barack Obama's membership in the American mainstream.

"President Lincoln," Biden started by saying, "once instructed us to be sure to put your feet in the right place and then stand firm. Today in Springfield, I know my feet are in the right place, and I'm proud to stand firm with the next president of the United States of America, Barack Obama."

As a Senate colleague of both presidential candidates, Biden is positioned to testify to his running mate's personal qualities while stressing their common roots in struggles upward from working-class families while praising McCain on a personal level and attacking him relentlessly for supporting Bush's misbegotten war and disastrous domestic agenda.

The opening cards have been dealt in the marathon bridge game that will go on until November, and the only wild card left is John McCain's choice of a partner. Will he too look to the Senate for a fourth or choose a dummy like Mitt Romney?

The McCain VP Shell Game

Duping the Prince of Darkness is SOP for the GOP, as the Valerie Plame outing showed, but the McCain campaign is in "reprehensible" new territory by using him to distract attention from the Obama tour, Robert Novak is mournfully telling Fox News.

The VP shell game is definitely going on, as the Republican candidate goes to New Orleans today, suggesting Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal as the choice, while other reports ooze out that Mitt Romney is fast becoming McCain's best friend.

"I'm appreciative every time I see Mitt on television on my behalf," McCain says. "He does a better job for me than he did for himself, as a matter of fact."

But at a private Republican meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, reports CNN's Dana Bash, McCain "dropped a serious hint about Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, telling them "out of the blue" they are "really going to like" Pawlenty.

Of them all, Pawlenty sounds the most plausible. A former Congressman, former Catholic turned Protestant, experienced but young (47), socially conservative with an impressive record of fiscal management, he helps McCain on age and the economy without bringing any of the baggage Jindal and Romney would be toting. And the last thing the Republican campaign needs is baggage.

In the process, they may have even unloaded Novak.

Oldest New President Ever

John McCain had a senior moment in Texas the other day. “I’m a proud conservative liberal Republican,” he said in a speech, then catching himself up, “conservative Republican. Hello? Easy there. Let me say this: I am a proud conservative Republican...”

If he wins in November, John McCain will be 72, three years older than Ronald Reagan was when elected--in his own description, "older than dirt, with more scars than Frankenstein." A Gallup Poll shows voters are worried about that.

As his senior by a dozen years, I am duty-bound to offer advice and encouragement. "Old age is a shipwreck," Charles de Gaulle once famously said, but he wasn't talking about himself. He was president of France until he passed 88 and was forced out of office for trying to marginalize the Senate that was blocking his iron whims.

New research shows that age is not disabling if you stay active, and since he got out of that Vietnamese prison, nobody has accused John McCain of being sedentary.

Moreover, another study finds that, contrary to the belief that older people are more “set in their ways,” individuals age 60 and older change their attitudes on controversial issues more significantly than people under 40. McCain himself has been living proof of that in the past year, outdone only by Mitt Romney.

So here's to the septuagenarian Senator. I won't be one of them, but grumpy old voters may come out in force for him next November--if the weather isn't too bad.

Romney Redux?

Now that John McCain's hair has been mussed a bit by New York Times reminders of his ties to lobbyists, Mitt Romney may be rethinking his decision to suspend his campaign in order not to "be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."

According to Los Angeles Times political columnist Andrew Malcolm, "Josh Romney, one of former Gov. Mitt Romney's five sons, says it's 'possible' his father may rejoin the race for the White House, as a vice presidential candidate or as the Republican Party's standard-bearer if the campaign of Sen. John McCain falters...Because he suspended rather than terminated his campaign, Romney still retains control of the nearly 300 delegates he's already won."

Mike Huckabee will be thrilled to hear that Romney may want to be a part of surrendering to terror after all. Maybe they can get Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson to come back for a Republican roast of McCain with Rush Limbaugh as MC.

John McCain's Friends

The man who has more enemies in his own party than any front runner in memory keeps talking about friends.

"Tonight, my friends," John McCain said after the Super Tuesday voting, "we won a number of important victories in the closest thing we've ever had to a national primary."

In what poker players would call a "tell," McCain's use of the expression may reveal more about him than he realizes. At the 2004 Republican convention, after a tribute to FDR, who used the phrase constantly, McCain said, "My friends, we are again met on the field of political competition with our fellow countrymen...But it should remain an argument among friends who share an unshaken belief in our great cause, and in the goodness of each other."

In that speech, McCain was biting a bullet to praise George W. Bush and Dick Cheney who had smeared him so viciously four years earlier that he considered leaving the Republican Party.

"My friends" appears to be McCain's verbal shield against expressing the anger he is famous for in Senate squabbles with members of both parties. During this year's Presidential debates, before launching an attack on Mitt Romney, he would begin with a tight smile, "My friend,..."

Whoever gets the Democratic nomination to oppose McCain should keep in mind an old folk saying, "If you have him for a friend, you won't need an enemy."

Tanglefoot Romney

In 1968, a Republican governor remarked, "Watching George Romney run for President is like watching a duck try to make love [PG version] to a football."

His son is keeping up the family tradition. Today, John McCain, running third in the West Virginia convention, turned supporters loose to vote for Mike Huckabee, who won the state's 18 delegates on the second ballot. Mitt Romney's campaign called foul, claiming a "backroom deal" to undercut him.

Huckabee replied that Romney "was saying yesterday, 'No whining.' So is it no whining or whining? He can't even keep a straight answer on the 'whining or no whining' question. There was no backroom deal. There wasn't even a front room deal. There was no deal."

Yesterday's Mitt misstep was dumping on Bob Dole for trying to get Rush Limbaugh to let up on John McCain. Romney rushed in to label Dole a loser in 1996 whose campaign resembled McCain's effort now. After a howl from conservatives, some of whom are supporting him, Romney had to backtrack to "make it very clear. Senator Dole is an American hero, a war hero, a fine man and a great leader for our party.”

The man can't seem to get out of his own way. If he were to get to the White House, Saturday Night Live would have to bring back Chevy Chase to do his Gerald Ford falling-all-over-himself routine.

John McCain, Traitor

In the eyes of its diehards, the Republican Party will go a long way tomorrow toward nominating a candidate who has betrayed its principles.

On the far right's list of infamy, McCain is reviled for damaging free speech and the First Amendment for trying to curb the power of money in elections, harming free enterprise by advocating a patient's bill of rights and the importation of lower-priced socialized medications from Canada and, worst of all, refusing to crack down on illegal immigrants who might sneak across our unfenced borders for another 9/11 attack.

The tide of bile against John McCain is so high that right-wing realists are piling last-minute sandbags on the ideological dikes to avert a GOP Katrina.

In the Boston Globe, Jeff Jacoby argues that "the immaculate conservative leader for whom so many on the right yearn to vote is a fantasy. Conservatives who say that McCain is no Ronald Reagan are right, but Mitt Romney is no Ronald Reagan either. Neither is Mike Huckabee. And neither was the real--as opposed to the mythic--Ronald Reagan.

"The conservative case against McCain is clear enough...But this year, the conservative case for McCain is vastly more compelling."

The New York Times' new sage William Kristol urges far-right colleagues to overcome their "disgruntlement and dyspepsia" and not to "treat 2008 as a throwaway election."

Fellow senators, too, are having a hard time swallowing the idea of McCain as their standard bearer, the Washington Post reports, warning that "his tirades suggest a temperament unfit for the Oval Office."

McCain's offenses against collegiality, to an outside observer, seem motivated by outrage at blatant corruption, but we may not be attuned to the nuances of legislative free enterprise.

Tomorrow will be a test for all his detractors. Will they choose a chance to win in November with the treacherous McCain or go down in honor with malleable Mitt Romney?

The Near-Defection of John McCain

George W. Bush and Karl Rove apparently accomplished something the North Vietnamese in five years of captivity could not do--get John McCain to consider switching loyalties.

The story surfaces, just before Super Tuesday, in The Hill today, of McCain's temptation to leave the Republican Party after being savagely smeared by the Bush campaign in the 2000 primaries.

In persuasive detail, it reports the approach of a McCain aide to Congressional Democratic leaders about the possibility of the Arizona Senator emulating Vermont's Jim Jeffords in becoming an Independent and aligning himself with their party.

McCain's disaffection in 2001 was no secret. Fellow Republican Trent Lott criticized him publicly then for keeping "unusual company."

But why does the story surface now? The cui bono is obvious as Mitt Romney tries to persuade Republicans that he is the party's legitimate standard bearer, and Ann Coulter reflects the weird vote by announcing she would back Hillary Clinton before McCain.

There must be déjà vu in all this for the Republican front runner. The rabid Right hated him back then, still does and will stop at nothing to derail him. But Romney, Coulter, Rush Limbaugh et al are no Karl Roves in the art of demonizing those they oppose.

When McCain gets the nomination, rational Republicans and Independents may be drawn to him by what these attacks reveal about his character.

The Bickersons Turn Into a Ticket

From the moment Barack Obama held out Hillary Clinton's chair as they sat down to debate to the near-hug as he patted her shoulder when they stood up, the Democratic candidates put their party back on the road to the White House tonight.

Gone was last week's Palmetto rancor to be replaced by enough Hollywood feel-good to make Wolf Blitzer's final question about their forming a Dream Ticket plausible. In turning away from attacking each other to aim their fire at George Bush and John McCain, both Clinton and Obama showed voters their best selves.

The former First Lady softened her wonkiness with what came across as genuine caring, while Obama leavened his earnestness with cocky jokes like the one about Mitt Romney's shortcomings as a CEO who was not getting a good return on his campaign money.

If there was a fault line between them, it came toward the end as they discussed the 2002 Senate resolution to let Bush invade Iraq. Clinton, for some reason, continues to dodge admitting her mistake in voting for it, leaving an opening for Obama to score the point that a President needs not only experience but good judgment from Day One.

They started out by sharing satisfaction in the fact that the election of either of them would change American history, and they ended by going off toward Super Tuesday with a civility that bodes well for that future.

A Mel Brooks Presidential Debate

Like the finale of "Blazing Saddles," last night's Republican brawl broke through the fourth wall and spilled over onto the sets of other movies.

John McCain and Mitt Romney played their Western shootout against a backdrop of "Air Force One," while being watched by "The Terminator" sitting next to the 100-year-old lady from "Titanic," smiling sweetly as all the candidates pledged their fealty to the ghost of The Gipper.

Anderson Cooper seemed awestruck by having an actual Reagan relic on the table in front of him, a leather-bound diary from which he solemnly quoted to the Republican hopefuls.

The scene could have used some Mel Brooks pizzazz, but it made up with non-sequiturs what was lacking in wit.

Ron Paul had the best line of the night. Watching McCain and Romney grapple over who was most patriotically devoted to prolonging the killing in Iraq, Paul looked at them deadpan and said, "Silly."

Hilarious, if you like zany comedy that makes you want to cry.

What the Sunshine State Foreshadows

Mitt Romney loses a primary to John McCain that would have knocked a less loaded man out of contention for the Republican nomination, but Romney will buy his way on to Super Tuesday.

Hillary Clinton arrives for a made-for-TV celebration, complete with walls of printed placards, of "winning" a phantom contest for no delegates that she and other Democrats had promised to bypass.

Electoral weirdness goes on unabated in Florida, which gave us our unelected president in 2000, but yesterday's results shed some light on where the 2008 nominations are heading.

Unless Romney's money and vacuity win many hearts and minds on February 5th, the arch-conservatives will have to take a deep breath and embrace McCain as the Republican candidate. Wheel out the respirators for Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan.

Even the meaningless Democratic results hold clues to the future. Clinton won among those who cast absentee ballots weeks ago but apparently not among voters who made a choice yesterday. Obama has a long way to go but, with the Kennedy endorsements and more to come, his campaign is moving in the right direction.

Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy month.

Playing President

In last night's Theater of the Absurd, a Lame Duck is quacking at the podium while the ducklings-in-waiting look on, pretending to listen before they waddle out for their turn on the TV stage.

You could have watched the President's last State of the Union address with the sound off and not turned it up as his would-be successors did their predictable soliloquies--Hillary Clinton with a smile as tight as duct tape, dodging questions about Bill; Barack Obama modestly insisting he's no JFK but basking in his Kennedy aura for the day; Mitt Romney mouthing "Washington is broken" platitudes followed by non-sequiturs that Harold Pinter would not have dared to write.

On his way out, George W. Bush is besieged by legislators holding out their programs to be autographed for some e-Bay auction years from now on another planet.

For a coda, a nice-looking schoolteacher named Kathleen Sebelius comes out to review the production by lecturing the "political pundits" before they review it and "obsess over the reactions of members of Congress: 'How many times was the President interrupted by applause? Did Republicans stand? Did Democrats sit?' And the rest of us will roll our eyes and think, 'What in the world does any of that have to do with me?'"

This Washington revival does ample justice to the definition of Theater of the Absurd as "broad comedy, often similar to Vaudeville, mixed with horrific or tragic images; characters caught in hopeless situations forced to do repetitive or meaningless actions; dialogue full of clichés, wordplay, and nonsense; plots that are cyclical or absurdly expansive; either a parody or dismissal of realism."

Now the actors are off to tour the hinterlands for audiences who will watch with as much puzzlement as they did last night, if they stayed awake for the whole production.

Is Rudy Through?

On Wednesday morning, either Rudy Giuliani or John Zogby is going wake up with a big headache. Running fourth in the state on which he has bet his presidential chances, Giuliani is nonetheless sure he's going to prevail in Florida's Tuesday primary.

"We're going to win this election by getting the vote out," Giuliani said at a pizza parlor in Port St. Lucie yesterday. "If we win here, we're going to win the nomination."

Zogby disagrees. "Giuliani is becoming less and less of a factor," he said yesterday, his poll showing John McCain and Mitt Romney tied at 30 percent, Mike Huckabee at 14 and Giuliani at 13, with only 9 percent of voters undecided.

For Zogby, who missed Hillary Clinton's late surge in New Hampshire, another blown call could be professional suicide, so it's safe to assume that his level of confidence in the Florida figures is high.

If he's right, the Giuliani comedy of errors will end this week. After leading in the national polls for a year and raising tons of money, America's Mayor decided to snooze through the early primary states and stake everything on the Sunshine State and its population of New York retirees.

By the time he started campaigning, Giuliani was caked with mud from scandals over his erstwhile partner Bernard Kerik and police protection for his current wife while he was still married to her predecessor.

Meanwhile, McCain, Romney and even Huckabee had picked up momentum, and in the past week, Giuliani lost a couple more points, perhaps as a result of his retired base reading the New York Times endorsement of McCain, sideswiping Rudy thus: "The real Mr. Giuliani, whom many New Yorkers came to know and mistrust, is a narrow, obsessively secretive, vindictive man who saw no need to limit police power...Mr. Giuliani’s arrogance and bad judgment are breathtaking."

If Zogby's figures hold up, Giuliani's best move would be to get out and get behind McCain. For a career prosecutor, Attorney General would not be a shabby consolation prize, if he could weather confirmation hearings about the shadowy clients of Giuliani Partners.

Mitt Romney's Mystery Voice

At the Republican debate Thursday night, Mitt Romney was hearing voices, and so were we. Before he answered a question about Reagan's Social Security fix, a whisper could be heard, "not raise taxes."

The incident recalls a scene in the 1987 movie "Broadcast News." William Hurt, a handsome but not-quick-witted TV correspondent, anchors a breaking-news special with producer Holly Hunter as his ventriloquist through an earpiece.

Afterward, Hurt tells her, "What a feeling, having you inside my head...You knew just when to feed me the next thing, just a split second before I needed it. There was a
rhythm we got into, like great sex."

Since MSNBC can't explain Romney's ghost voice, there is no way of knowing if there was an erotic component to it, but it raises suspicions that the candidate who looks like a President but doesn't always sound like one may be getting the equivalent of technological steroids for on-the-spot smarts.

In "Broadcast News," after she argues with her boss, Hunter is told, "It must be nice to always believe you know better. To think you're always the smartest person in the room." "No," she answers with a pained expression, "it's awful."

Now there is a problem Mitt Romney will never have to overcome.