Sunday, February 25, 2007

"Secondary Virginity" for '08

Good news, sinners! The Christian right has decreed the fallen can be born again pure as driven snow.

The new virginity is available not only to the carnally impaired but to politicians who may have parked their shoes under the wrong ideological bed.

At their summit meeting, the guardians of American morality--Dr. James Dobson, the Rev. Jerry Falwell and Grover Norquist--examined the Republican ’08 hopefuls and found them wanting.

McCain and Giuliani were dismissed out of hand as hopeless sluts, Romney as a waverer, and even Duncan Hunter, Brownback and Huckabee may have sinned in their hearts, as Jimmy Carter used to say.

It remained for Norquist, admittedly the least ecclesiastical of the brotherhood, to discover the road to redemption by citing a movement wherein young people who have lost their chastity take vows of abstinence.

“It’s called secondary virginity,“ Norquist explained, “It’s a big movement in high school and also available for politicians.”

If only Bill Clinton had known...


pissed off patricia said...

So how does this work exactly? Do you get a "do over" or something? Is it anything like Rev Ted Haggard and his de-gayification deal? Is this instant re-virginity?

Congratulations for getting linked at Crooks and Liars in Mike's Roundup.

ConcernedCitizen said...

I heard that secondary virginity can sometimes involve a surgical procedure wherein the hymen is sewn back together, thus making it intact once more, and ready for another bleeding.

But since all of these '08 GOP hopefuls are males, it begs the question of which orifice they need to have stitched shut in order to achieve the same effect.

Robby said...

Virginity restorer, readily available at any watering hole: a maraschino (sp?) cherry attached to the end of a swizzle stick.

keith said...

Well actually according to LOVEMATTERS.COM there are rules:

Five Steps to Becoming a Secondary Virgin

Make a firm commitment to save yourself for marriage from now on, and believe you can do it. (Because you can!)
Get away from people, places, things and situations that weaken your self-control. Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is avoid people who tempt us.
Avoid intense hugging, passionate kissing and anything else that leads to lustful thoughts and behavior. Anything beyond a brief, simple kiss can quickly become dangerous.
Find non-physical ways to show your love and appreciation.
Remember that anyone can start over. Including you! When you focus on commitment and self-discipline, you can control your impulses.